Connected Strangers

Sometimes when I'm driving, especially when it's dark. And especially when I drive through a crowded city or neighborhood, I wonder what kind of lives I'm crossing. What kind of events did I pass through without understanding? What emotions are being shared, thrown, or help out of the light?

It is almost too much to comprehend that as I travel on whatever journey I am on in that moment, that I pass thousands of other journeys on my way. Though I don't interact with the people I pass (we don't even see each other), I wonder if they are okay?

I wonder if we will ever meet, and if we do...would we know it?

Queen Wishy Washy

Since I can remember I have had a very hard time making decisions. Whether it be about food I want to buy for lunch, or what career path i want to persue. No matter the magnitude of the decision, it has been a constant battle.

I used to believe the struggle was due to the pressure I feel to make the right choice, impress upon those important to me that I am competent at selecting the best option. As I have grown older though, I have come to realize that whether a decision is "right" or not depends entirely on the attitude of the one making it.

Once you choose, you have to put full confidence behind the choice and force it, will it, make it be the right choice for you. Take every advantage of your decision and use the benefits it leaves in its wake.

And let's say, by chance you make the wrong decision. Is it really wrong? How can it be? Wouldn't a bad choice lead you in the direction you needed to go in the first place? The direction needed to gain knowledge to make a better decision in the future? Help you grow in the ability to know what is best for you as an individual...If that is the case...are there even such things as mistakes?

The Power of IF

What: [Interrogative pronoun or determiner)-asking for information, specifying something. [Relative  
          pronoun] thing or things. [Exclamation] emphasizing something surprising or remarkable.

If: [Conjunction - introducing a conditional clause] on the condition, supposition, or event that. Used 
     in expressing a polite request or opinion.
                                            -Oxford Dictionary-
How interesting that two words in the English language, both with concrete definitions and guidelines for application to our speech, can immediately transform into a cloud of uncertainty when they come together as a pair.

What if.

Six characters. Two words separated by the smallest of spaces. What if. Insignificant...all powerful. "What if..." in its tiny presentation, whispers the promise of success, the threat of failure, the fear of destruction. It holds the hope for change...the knowledge of opportunity or wonder at opportunities missed.

"What if..." a simultaneous motivation to try and warning not to venture too far past the unknown. It carries with it the capability to weave doubt into belief, draw relief out of a dream. What if, can twist support through an idea or write doubt into any imagination.

"What if". An infinite amount of opportunity...a travesty in it's truest form.

The Science of Happiness

I once saw happiness defined in a book as an equation R/E or, Reality divided by Expectation. While this seems logical enough, can happiness really be broken down into a scientific equation? According to R/E all it would take to be happy is to either improve your reality...or lower your expectations.

R/E allows for the assumption that happiness is relative to the individual. Good. However it also leaves room for people to sell themselves short by having expectations so low that there is little drive, little motivation, to be the best of what you are. And couldn't it be as simple as that? The understanding that every minute you do all you are capable of, you are the best? Would that be enough to improve reality?

Take pride in all the good you do, the potential you have, and the beauty you see.

Life and Chess Part 3: Bishop

On either side of the king and queen stands a bishop. The bishop has no restriction in distance when they travel from one place to another, but are limited to diagonal movement. As a consequence of its diagonal path, each bishop remains on either the white or black squares. This means the bishops are able to assist in a limited number of conundrums. They are focused and efficient, but creativity is not the strength of a bishop.

In life, the bishops represent various people you may meet in your life. people who may cross your path, right in front of you, without you even noticing. More often than not, you may not even notice they were important to your development until they are long gone.

And isn't it a shame we are so many times blissfully unaware of the workings around us? That we cannot adequately appreciate those who put their stamp on our development?

Though the bishops realm is limited, in chess by the color of the squares they stand upon and in life by the connections and ability to be in the right place at the right time, the capacity to be helpful will never be in question.

The [Virtue] of Patience

The popular sayings and quotations advocate that "patience is a virtue", or "good things come to those who wait". And so it is true in many things. Patience is needed when baking a pie, waiting for a picture to develop,   or a letter to arrive. There is no amount of pacing, action, or coaxing that will make these things go faster.

Is patience always the right remedy though? Are we forever expected to sit patiently and wait for whatever it is that is supposed to happen next? Is there such a thing as too much patience? What if we wait to long and the thing we were waiting for passes like a whisper without us ever knowing it was there.

At some point, with some things, it seems that patience is a weakness. Waiting for the universe to put the pieces together, instead of working to find the ones that fit by yourself.

When is it time to stop being patient, to stop waiting, to stop expecting that what is meant to happen will happen on it's own? When is it time to take the initiative and make your future? Start the fire? At least point yourself in a direction...even if it isn't the right one...at least you would be traveling. Making progress.

At what point is patience no longer the virtue. No longer the right answer.

Soul Mates. Or. The Other Shoe

How do we know when we have found the right one? The one who is the perfect compliment for ourselves? The one who has everything we lack and lacks everything we have? How do you know when to say..."yes, you'll do, you'll do just fine".

I think probably, it goes like this:

One day, you decide you need new shoes. You know what you like, and from experience you know what you don't. You will already have found out what styles pinch your toes, which ones make your ankles look funny, and which brand seems to fit perfectly at first...but once you walk around for awhile, they make your feet hurt so much you could cry.

So, you go out on a search and finally (perhaps after 1 store, perhaps after 23) you find shoes that fit you just right. They are the perfect color, they hold your feet like a hug. "These will go perfectly with all the pants I own" you will say in elation. " I can wear these to any occasion if I want". You think for a moment that you wish you had found something with buckles. The thought is fleeting though, and disappears almost before you knew it was there.

You pat yourself on the back with pride for finding the perfect shoes. "Won't mother be proud" you say to yourself, "won't my friends be impressed".

You take your shoes home with the knowledge that there is no need to search any longer. You are giddy with satisfaction that you have found the perfect pair.

Sometime later, while you are strolling along in your shoes, you will catch a glimpse of something in a window across the street...you will stare through wide and hazy eyes at a beautiful pair of shoes...with buckles.

Be warned dear one, don't look too long. You have already spent all your money on the first pair of shoes.

Trust Backwards is Untrust

Erikson's first stage of psychosocial development is trust versus mistrust. It lays forth the idea that a child who successfully develops trust between birth and one year of age, will feel safe and secure in the world they live in. On the flip side, failure to develop trust could result in a person bound with the belief that the world is inconsistent  Unpredictable.

In all honesty though...when does this stage really end? Does one ever cease to be tested on the development of trust?
It can be assumed, perhaps, that Erikson didn't define trust in the way a majority of people do. rather, he seemed to refer to trust as a general reaction. a reaction to an event which is based on an instinct learned from experience(s) early in life.

Oxford dictionary defines trust as; a firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something. To trust someone (or something) is to commit to the safe keeping of: [a valuable], [a secret], [a promise], [a heart].

It seems the stage of trust vs. mistrust is perpetual. Ever changing, moving, developing. There will forever be a constant string of events that will test us. That will decide which side of  Erikson's stage we will fall on.

Rock. Paper. Scissors. Trust.
Choose wisely.

The Wrong Soul-mate

A soul-mate seems to be the prize at the end of humanities ultimate quest. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The reward for countless hours spent preening to impress. Compensations for heart break. Satisfaction after an endless uphill battle.

How do you know when you have found "the one". It feels unfair that there would be only one. Like the cards are stacked against you and the universe gets to sit back and have a good laugh as she watches you scurry around, turning over the proverbial rocks in search for the person who will complete your life. The being whose pulse only begins to beat through them, when yours pauses.

Maybe there is more than one match to your mold. Perhaps the universe has crafted a handful of appropriate counterparts, all fitted for a different period in your life...how considerate that would be.

But then...a new question arises: How would you know if you have grown out of the partner made for whichever stage of life you happen to be in? Does a bell ring? Does someone stand up in a crowd and holler "SWITCH"? Or do we continue to travel along our beaten path, carrying the wrong soul-mate?

Triple A's

Attention, attraction, and affection have been viciously circling my mind in endless competition for importance. Each one seems needed in order to gain a sense of contentedness, fulfillment, adventure. Yet it is a never ending battle attempting to keep a grasp on all three at once.

Each need is elusive at times while simultaneously bound to another. How can attraction be so easy to find when affection hides in the shadows waiting for attention to spawn it's development?

As humans, we need attention, long for attraction, and fight for affection. is it possible to have all three? A trinity of enlightened existence?

Attraction can be assumed as the constant emotion from which attention or affection can bloom. One twists, morphs, develops and transforms into the other.
Do they dare be caught together? Their differences, both in definition and sensation, are vast...but do not exist.

 

Life and Chess - Part 2: The Queen

In chess it is beneficial to the player to keep the queen active in the game as long as possible. The queen has the longest range of movement, and is able to move in most any direction. 

In life, the queen represents the person you can depend on anytime you need them. The person who, if your life is in check (so to speak) will dart across the board to help you out of a sticky situation.

Unlike in chess, life's queen is not always easily identifiable. In some cases, the queen might be a parent, a sibling. The bonds in those relationships are undeniable and are, for some, the strongest relationships a person will form in their lifetime.

Perhaps the queens position is held by not one person, but many in the span of a persons life. As we travel through our various stages of maturing, a person we can depend on may morph from one form into another in order to most adequately fit the current stage.

In any case, the presence of the queen is priceless. The confidant, the conscious, the comforter, the person that possesses the ability to guide you through any situation. A person who knows when to push just a little harder on the limits of emotion, and knows when to pull back and try again later is invaluable. Indispensable.  

The queen is very possibly the most important person in your life and in some cases, can make the difference between winning a game and losing it. The trick, of course, is finding the queen hiding amongst the rest of the world. Realizing the purpose that can be served by paying attention to their wisdom.

Cheater, Cheater

From virtually the moment we learn to speak, we learn from our peers that "no one likes a cheater". A child who cheats in any playground game is taunted and called a pumpkin eater.

As we grow older, cheating transforms from peeking during hide and seek, to cheating 'the system', stacking the deck, hiding a mistress. We want to posses the ability to constantly have our cake, and eat it too.

Damages are most easily measured when we cheat in games. Usually monetary loss (or gain) is the most obvious. Cheating on a lover...though not as black and white, produces far more long term and devastating destruction.

Trust, respect, honor, self esteem, friendship, lively-hood, love. The cheater my lose everything in the pursuit for more than what they perceive they posses.

The damages in love are not insured, guaranteed, or under warranty. Cheating in love is forever. The loss is permanent.

Whispered lies

A lie is a fickle creature. It slips past the lips quickly and whirls and twists its way through the thoughts of others.

Before long, the lie gets hungry and has to be fed. The only way to keep it from coming undone is to nourish it with another lie...and another. It will become temporarily sedated for days, perhaps weeks. Months. Years.

The thing about a lie, is that it cannot be killed with anything but the truth. Honesty can crush even the strongest of lies.

Lies are smart though...they have developed a nearly impenetrable shield. A weapon against destruction. And that weapon is fear. Fear easily chases the truth so far away that is is no longer threatening to the lie.

Fear and falsehoods are all too often triumphant over the truth. Unless the lie is never shared, never whispered from one to another...that would be the safest thing...

Life and Chess Part 1. The game

Living with 2 brothers allowed me to participate in multiple forms of strategic games...both fantasy and reality. Early in their lives, I was proud to be able to outsmart them and was usually victorious in the games we played.  As they grew older it was necessary to put significantly more thought into the moves I made. Before long I had to admit defeat to their superior ability to see the possible choices I might make and plan for them in advance.

Strategy has always been a fascinating subject to me. So simple in it's definition - "The art of planning and directing overall military operations and movements in a war or battle"...and yet the number of possible moves and outcomes are so overwhelming it is almost unfathomable. 

Chess is one game that has a seemingly endless selection of decisions, leading to an equally endless list of outcomes. Chess is a game that takes concentration, thought and strategy to play.

 Alertness is key in keeping your pieces safe, and preventing your opponent from putting your king in check.

It occurred to me at some point (probably after losing the 100th game to one of my brothers), that life, is very similar to chess in many of it's entities. Each and every move you make not only affects you, but also has the potential to change the life of all the people (pieces) around you. Every decision, whether spur of the moment or well thought out, ultimately affects the outcome of the game.

There are multiple instances (games) you will have to navigate, all with infinite amounts of possible endings. The number of games (instances) you play, make up your lifespan.

The realization of the importance of strategy is liberating, the knowledge of how many ways you can fail is daunting. Hopefully, as in chess, we can learn from life's mistakes and chose a different move next time.

Humbling Connection

Over the past several weeks I have become tangled in an emotional state of confusion.

It seems that I am in a daily battle between tears and elation over the meaning of my various relationships. It amazes me that so many levels exist in a relationship. And baffles me how many of those levels one can stand on simultaneously.

I feel I have been blessed with the ability to form human connections on a whim. However, with every blessing and strength, comes a mirroring weakness. The shadow in my mirror is that the majority of my connection seem to remain superficial. Temporary. Disposable.
The absence of connection is something I pine over...and yet...when the bind weakens, it is not commonly missed.

Recently though, I find myself linked in a bond stronger than any connection I imagined I would have the pleasure of experiencing in my lifetime. It has humbled me. Distracted me. Rendered me delightfully abashed.

I cannot help but stand in wonderment at the reason for our meeting. The complication and simplicity are the yin and yang which keeps my head reeling almost without rest.

Heart Questions

When i was young, my mother instilled in me that is is not important that one is able to retain a vast amount of  information to memory. Instead, she would say, "learn how to find the information you desire and you will never be lacking in whit, wisdom, or knowledge".

I learned quickly how to use a phone book, dictionary, and library in order to obtain answers for the questions lingering outside my field of expertise.

What my mother failed to share with me, perhaps because she knew (as mothers usually do) that I would need to learn on my own, is that far too often the answer to the most important of questions cannot be found in one concrete form.

So many things we wonder about cannot be brought to clarity without trial and error. Passage of time. And this, to me, seems unfair.

One would think that with all the knowledge that exists in the universe, past and present accounted for, someone would have discovered a way to reach beyond answering questions of the mind, to those of the heart.

Random Miracles

It's interesting the way people find each other. As if similar personalities are drawn together almost without thought or effort for the event of collision.

Timing, timing is everything. How many things are needed to go right, or wrong, for even the smallest of relationships to form? Is there a plan that some greater being has meticulously drawn out and set in motion?

What are the chances that our meetings are the coincidences that come from many souls being thrown into the chaos...stumbling blindly until we somehow collide with the right person. The right time. The right place.

There are multitudes of people you meet in the span of a lifetime. Each person you meet, each relationship you form, affect you in a way that can never be reversed. The permanency of change is inevitable.

It is a miracle, that out of the multitude of people around us each day... we are able to come across the ones who's personalities are a compliment to our own.

The bonds we form are simple. But only on the outside.